Woe is Me

I've been having a rough month. Just after Chase turned 3 months old, I just felt depleted. I insisted to Wil that I took care of her at night from the start. He has to work/go to school during the day and his back can't take much more by the time he comes home and takes care of the boys. Sometimes the pain is pretty bad, he has to take medication that knocks him out completely. So, I saw fit that I should be the one up at night with her and would try to nap during the day. Well, three months later and I can tell you that my plan hasn't worked out so well. I brought it up to Wil a few weeks ago that I felt like I had just hit the wall. There were nights that I just cried with her because I was too exhausted to do anything else. Her eating/sleeping patterns were all over the place, which kept me pretty much at home all day long. Wil always encouraged me to go out and take a break, but I would constantly worry about the baby and never could leave her for more than an hour. Being so far away from our family and friends, I felt pretty isolated. Things just went downhill these past couple of weeks. I just had crying episodes that wouldn't stop. A slightest hiccup during the day sent me into a panic mode. Chase's crying, however rare it might be, just unraveled me. I could literally feel myself coming unhinged. It didn't help that everyday I looked outside, all I saw were infamous Baumholder gray rain clouds. Wil has seriously stepped in since and wouldn't take no for an answer when it comes to night time parenting. It also helps that my darling baby is really doing well in her sleep training. Yesterday Wil and I had a talk and he mentioned postpartum depression. I don't know if I'm there but I know that I haven't felt quite like myself in a while. I just feel like I've lost the mental capacity to analyze things objectively and take care of things without having a meltdown to go with it. Maybe it's just sheer exhaustion. Whatever it is, I'm going to take care of it. Ok, hungry baby awaits. Later!