Joy Rising

Properly naming a Thai baby is a science that involves the exact birth time and planetary alignment, which will ultimately end up in some kind of calculation that will tell the person naming the kid which letters/vowels to use and which to avoid in order to allow the baby to prosper and reach his/her full potential. And it always has some kind of complicated meaning behind it. So imagine my parents' surprise when I told them that the baby was to be called, simply and beautifully, Chase. I was not one of those who knew all my life what I would name all my twelve kids since I was five. In fact, I barely gave it any thoughts since she didn't seem to mind being called "The Mutt" while in utero. I wasn't keen on girlie girl names because the meaning behind them were always "the beautiful one," "the fair one," or something of similar nature. I knew the baby I was carrying would be beautiful, but her looks alone would not be the most memorable and remarkable thing about her. My hope for the baby, whom never seemed to rest until the day she entered the world, was for her to know that, with hard work, she was capable of anything and everything. I hoped she would be kind, sweet, humble, and know her place in the world--know how lucky she was to be born into a loving family and still worked hard to pay it forward. I hoped she would be a healthy, happy, curious, vibrant little girl, who always carried a go-getter attitude and never gave up just because someone told her that she couldn't do it. I read somewhere that Chase meant "hunter" in old English and I thought it fit my Little Mutt to a T. These past 18 months have been the most extraordinary time. Chase is the light of my life and lately she's been my strength. The mischievous grin in her big brown eyes was really the only thing that kept me going all last week. I was watching Oprah the other day and one of her audience members used the term "joy rising" to describe his feeling about a flash mob in Chicago, and I thought it was such a fantastic and accurate way to articulate something indescribable. Joy rising is how I feel when I look at my baby--my little Hunter. It's been a really long time since I posted pictures of her, so here they all are. As always, put the cursor on the picture to see the caption, if you so choose.

Please continue to keep Wil in your thoughts and prayers. We go to Homburg tomorrow and hope to get a surgery date soon after that. I'll report back soon.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Just when I thought I had figured out the med combination to keep Wil comfortably out of it during the day, his pain level increased. There was nothing else for me to do but letting him have whatever he needed every couple of hours, because the alternative was just inhumane. After yet another long night of agony and the morning that wasn't much better and lots of pills, I finally saw my husband again. Wil asked me a few days ago what he did to upset me so because I had been so incredibly short and mean to him, and I sobbed when the answer came. I am so mad that he's in pain and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I keep a diligent schedule of his medication in hope that there will be an emerging pattern that will keep me on top of his pain cycle. I pester his doctor and PA. I research everything under the sun to see if there's anything else I can do, and yet every slow minute creeps on by with him in pain even more so than the last. I'm frustrated, useless, and taking it out on the only person my anger should have never touched. People often comment about my strength and I can honestly tell you that I would love to just curl up in a fetal position and play dead until this nightmare blows over. But that is not an option. There is no alternative to being present for my family. Wil and I have certainly gone through hard times in our relationship, but we always come out of it together and stronger. Even in his most fragile moments, he's showing me grace and always puts me and Chase above his own needs. It's hard right now but there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

The Longest Week

I'm exhausted this morning as it's been a really tough long night for Wil. Here's a quick recap of what's been going on these past couple of days:

Right after Wil was discharged from the hospital, we had to walk around to pick up his records and MRI for his second-opinion consult. He started to complain that his right foot was a little sore, but I didn't much of it as it looked fine and it was the first time he was really on his feet in a few days. That night it became a little swollen and we put ice on it thinking that he might have hit the bed rail or kicking something on the way to the bathroom when he was so completely dopey and just didn't realize it until now. The next morning I mentioned it to his PA while we were on the phone discussing Wil's medication, and eventually he became concerned enough that it might have been a blood clot and asked me to bring him in to the ER as soon as I could. I called Wil's coworker and our friend Brad to take him to the ER while I dropped the boys off at a kennel before meeting up with them at the hospital. Naturally, the half an hour journey to the kennel turned into a hour and a half after two detours. I was almost running out of gas with no cellphone reception while poor Wil was rushed through ultrasound, which thankfully showed no blood clots. By the time Chase and I got there, Wil was laid out on a bed in the ER looking completely miserable. The next thing I knew I saw a white coat flying by me and heard:

Wil (in a completely dopey voice pointing Chasey-style): Heyyyy, Dr. Freedman!
White Coat: Look, we need to have a hard talk right now, ok? You CAN NOT keep coming in here taking up a hospital bed and sucking on narcotics.
Wil (staring at me in confusion and blinking repeatedly): Er...I'm not here for my back. It's my foot (pointing, again).
White Coat (slowly turning a white shade of pink): What? Ummm...looks like I had gotten some bad information.
Me, who had been standing in the room the whole time: Hello, I'm Uma, his wife.

And that was my first introduction to his surgeon, Dr. Freedman. Even though I had heard so much about him, it was just then I got to truly appreciate what a jackass he really was. So I suppose this was the real reason why he discharged my husband early, even though the PA had wanted to try 9 doses of powerful anti-inflammatory drug that could only be given to him via IV. My husband refused his surgery options and he wanted him out of his hospital before draining any more of his precious narcotics. I was beyond delighted that Wil's approved referral for a second opinion came through yesterday. That means that his appointment with a German neurosurgeon at Homburg University Hospital will be set up very soon (hopefully be early next week). I don't want that Jackass holding anything remotely sharp around my husband, even if it's for a splinter removal.

Anyhow, we found out that the cause of his swollen, and very red by the time I got to the ER, foot was an acute onset of gout. The simplistic theory is that his liver has been working over time breaking down all the meds and narcotics and is not doing a very good job keeping up with uric acid, which ultimately caused the crystals to form around his foot. Gout is congenital but a lot of people carry the genes all their lives and will never exhibit the symptom. Right now the condition in Wil's body is just ripe for this nasty disease to rear its ugly head. He's taking more pills to take care of this and hopefully there will never be another episode with a controlled diet, which he loudly protests CONSTANTLY. His nurse is very tired and rather short-tempered right now.

The kids are doing well. I'm constantly amazed at how resilient Chase is. In spite of perpetual interruption to her schedule and routine, she's maintained her sweet nature and rarely has a meltdown that doesn't go away quickly with a big hug and kisses from Papa, from whom she refuses to be apart. I decided to board the boys because they really need to go have fun and be taken care of by the people we trust to look after them like they were their own pups while we sort out this mess. Plus I really can't take the guilt of not having anytime to spend with them right now. Night time pain management remains the biggest struggle for us as I haven't yet found the right combination of meds to keep Wil comfortable throughout the night, although we're doing much better during the day.

So here's us in a nutshell. I know these long tough days won't last forever and we are blessed with dear friends and family members, who constantly call and write to check on us and give words of encouragement that are much needed at times. Another surgery is just around the bend, and as odd as it sounds, we can't wait until it happens! I'll do my best to keep you posted via the blog, but it's most convenient for me right now to do a quick status update on Facebook. Now I'm gonna take a quick nap before the next round of pain and meds start again. Hope things are better on your end.

Update*** We got an appointment to see another neurosurgeon at Homburg University Hospital next Wednesday! This is great news!

Here We Go Again

Wil was discharged today when he shouldn't have been. There's a story to go with that but my combined 8 hours of sleep in the past 3 nights are not doing much to screen out strings of curse words that are swirling in my head. The surgeon's ego was hurt because we asked for a second opinion and now my husband is whimpering on the couch even though he's taken 4 different and very powerful painkillers and narcotic. I know exactly where I will be and whom shall feel my wrath bright and early even before he's fully awake. We more than likely will be seeing the inside of the hospital before sunrise. I'm going to let Wil sleep for a few more hours before making that call to wake up the kid and load us all up again. Seriously, I'm going to be that Major's worst nightmare tomorrow. He should have thought twice before screwing with my family.

Wil's Hospitalization

This is not exactly the kind of blog update I had wanted to share, but cute baby pictures and video will just have to wait. If you are my Facebook friends, you probably are up to date, but here's the lowdown: Wil came home from work Thursday complaining of increased pain and discomfort in his lower back. Since the surgery last year, he's had good days and bad days, and we just sort of chalked it off as a bad one. We had planned to travel and Wil took a pass for a 4-day weekend, but we decided to use the extra days to just rest and relax. He toughed it out and went shopping with us around K-town, but by Saturday it became very clear that this was not going away and getting rapidly worse. He had taken more pain killers on Saturday than he had since the surgery and still could not get any kind of relief at all. At this point, he was unable to stand, walk, or sit up. We started Sunday morning in the emergency room, and 7 hours later he was admitted for pain management. Monday morning came the xrays, MRI, and CT scan, which were all very painful to him since standing or sitting up still caused Wil excruciating pain. We saw his PA this afternoon and found out that the degenerative disc that he had the operation on last year had REALLY reherniated and was pinning the nerve root. The PA was surprised to see that Wil was able to lift his foot about 3" off of the bed at all because the scans looked THAT bad. The doctors are trying to come up with the right mix of drugs and narcotics to control his pain to the point that he could come home to wait for the surgery, which could still be anywhere in the neighborhood of 3 weeks away. We'll find out more about which procedure it will be and exactly when the surgery will happen as the week goes on. Right now they don't expect to release him before Thursday. Chase, the boys, and I are doing as well as can be expected. Chase was very confused and scared of every nurse and doctor, who came into the room to stick needles in Wil's arm or move him in any kind of fashion. She yelled "Papa" immediately and repeatedly and reached for him when someone approached. If I took her out of the room, she would scream for him until she could physically see him again. Today was better, as the nurses lavished her with popsicles and I kept stuffing her snacktrap with animal crackers. The boys are unfortunately getting an extremely short end of the stick, minus the whole pain issue, as Chase and I leave for the hospital early in the morning and don't come home until just before her bedtime. Paddy nearly broke his legs sprinting up from the basement to the kitchen, where I was playing back a message on the answering machine left by Wil. I wish I could make them understand what's going on and that he would come home soon. I'm probably not going to have much energy type up long updates here but will keep up with Facebook. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It stinks right now but I know everything will be alright. Please continue to keep my Beloved in your thoughts and prayers.

Two Words

STOMACH FLU.