One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Just when I thought I had figured out the med combination to keep Wil comfortably out of it during the day, his pain level increased. There was nothing else for me to do but letting him have whatever he needed every couple of hours, because the alternative was just inhumane. After yet another long night of agony and the morning that wasn't much better and lots of pills, I finally saw my husband again. Wil asked me a few days ago what he did to upset me so because I had been so incredibly short and mean to him, and I sobbed when the answer came. I am so mad that he's in pain and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I keep a diligent schedule of his medication in hope that there will be an emerging pattern that will keep me on top of his pain cycle. I pester his doctor and PA. I research everything under the sun to see if there's anything else I can do, and yet every slow minute creeps on by with him in pain even more so than the last. I'm frustrated, useless, and taking it out on the only person my anger should have never touched. People often comment about my strength and I can honestly tell you that I would love to just curl up in a fetal position and play dead until this nightmare blows over. But that is not an option. There is no alternative to being present for my family. Wil and I have certainly gone through hard times in our relationship, but we always come out of it together and stronger. Even in his most fragile moments, he's showing me grace and always puts me and Chase above his own needs. It's hard right now but there's nowhere else I'd rather be.