NEVER AGAIN

I fell on Chase and thought that I heard a pop. It was dark. No one was around. I didn't have a cell phone on me.

We were at the dog park with the boys. Normally Wil would be the one taking them out to play at the end of the day while Chase and I make dinner at home. We all had just hopped into the car and dropped Wil off at his dinning in before heading out to the park. It was the first time I ever saw my husband in his class A and thought he looked mighty spiffy. It was getting dark outside although the clock on the dashboard barely read 5 P.M. I wore Chase in an Ergo to keep her warm. The boys were chasing each other around at a full galloping speed like they have always done when cooler weather gave them a spring in their steps and they were happy. I almost saw it coming in slow motion. My eyes were trying to follow the two wrestling fur balls in the dark. Chase thought her brothers' antics were hilarious and was really giggling. Then somehow someone ran right into me and my left knee. I fell awkwardly on my right side. I knew she felt my weight even though I tried to put down my arm to catch the fall. Immediately she was wailing and I was hyperventilating. I unbuckled the Ergo and ran my hands over her tiny limps. Everything felt right where they should be. I couldn't really see anything else except for her grimace that was hard to miss only inches away from my face. For a few seconds I rocked her while kissing her face and praying out loud to every God I knew to let her be okay. I scooped her up and ran to the car. The light came on as I opened the door and I laid her down on the seat to inspect the rest of her. No blood. No obvious broken bones. All these thoughts were loudly screaming at me in my head. We needed to get help. I heard a pop. Her head could have hit the ground and she might have a concussion. I shoved my screaming baby in her car seat and yelled at the boys to get in the car. They thought we were still playing and started to chase each other around again. I called out to Brutus in my most desperate voice. His ears perked up and knew something was up. He ran right out of the park and jumped into the back of our Rav4. It took what seemed like an eternity to get Paddy, but we were flying out of there as soon as everyone was in. The dog park is in a small separated area that is a few minutes away from the main post. I thought about what we should do while going through the gate. Suddenly previously screaming Chase went very quiet and I couldn't get her to say anything back at all, which immediately caused me to freak out. It would have taken the same amount of time going back to the house as it did going to where Wil was. I'm sure me in my sweats and grass stain was a sight to see for those people in their class A's. I ran in with Chase in her car seat. The event hadn't really started, which made it easy to find Wil. One of the people Wil was talking to apparently was in charge of the post's emergency response and called "someone" to come check Chase out. My head was spinning and even though everyone said she seemed okay I still couldn't stop hyperventilating. The next thing I knew, a fire truck, an ambulance, and an MP pulled up. They took one look at her and said she was fine. Chase was exceptionally quiet and seemed very tired. All the new faces hovering over her and the firemen's bright suits kept her interest. She put her favorite thumb in her mouth and sighed. I was still crying.

Later after I put her down for the night and sat down on the couch with Wil, I realized that the pop that I heard probably originated from my body and not hers. My knee was throbbing and the arm I stretched out to catch the fall felt stiff. Guess I can feel like that when an almost-90-lb sinewy muscles and fur hit a joint at a wind tunnel speed. My heart was heavy thinking that it could have been much much much worse. I whimpered a bit more and fell asleep on the couch. Wil didn't wake me up until he heard the baby cried out for her feeding. She fell asleep nursing and I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms. I gave her a big kiss on her head before laying her back down in her crib. She gave a grumble.

She's okay.

I'm not.