Freaking Out

Last night I went into work and was greeted by a pungent odor that I immediately recognized as pain thinner. The video store uses paint thinner to clean permanent marker off of old dvd cases. I bagged the garbage and asked Wil to take it out and turned on the fan to ventilate the room. In all honesty, the lingering odor probably wasn't worse than the smell left by nail polish/remover, and the smell was just concentrated around the trash can, which I avoided like the plague. But I was there for the next 5 hours. And with every passing minute, one more scary thought about what this could possibly do to the baby crept into my mind. By the time Wil came around to pick me up and got me home, I was inconsolable. He called the nurse on call in hope to comfort me, but all I got was that there was no way to tell if it did harm the baby and to watch out for signs of miscarriage. That definitely didn't help. The more I try to get information from books or the internet, the more morbid the news got. I went to sleep holding my stomach hoping the baby could feel it and know how sorry I was. I was never more happy to wake up with nausea and pressure in my stomach this morning. So far everything seems fine. My next check up is not until the 18th. Needless to say I'll on pins and needles until then. I might just be freaking out about nothing, but it makes me realize my priority. For now, being bored and safe might actually save my sanity.

I was on the phone with my mom and telling her how hard it was for me to tell our friends here about my pregnancy. It just so happens that most couples that we start hanging out with are childless. We all have dogs and go to dog park together. I know some choose not to have children and some just have not been successful at trying. The day before yesterday we took our pups to the dog park with our friends and their beloved four-legged baby Guinness. It was hard to tell them knowing that they had been trying for a while. It was especially heart-breaking when she told me that she had suffered a miscarriage just about a month ago, when we first met. They both were very happy for us but I couldn't help but feel almost guilty. We weren't really trying and just got lucky. On that, my mom explained in the Buddhist way that each child was destined to a certain mom, perhaps because their lives were intertwined somehow the last life time. Not every woman will be able to bear a child and a pregnancy is a blessing that I should be thankful for and humbled by. It's so amazing that no matter how old I am, my mom always has a way to calm me down and quiet my thoughts. She is awesome.