Irrational Anger

I'm a pretty emotional person, and my husband will probably tell you that it's some kind of an understatement of the year. I haven't gotten it in me the ability to be upset on the inside while putting up a happy front. I cried in the hospital's cafeteria yesterday because, after a total meltdown during lunch time, Chase looked at me with tears streaming down her face and said "outsyyde (outside), pay (play), syde (slide)?" It breaks my heart that life as she knows it is so turned upside down right now and I can't exactly fix it. I hurts me that she couldn't jump, run, spin, and let out a squeal whenever her little heart desires because we're in the hospital all the time. And it absolutely kills me to know that I couldn't just drop everything, scoop her up in my arms and run her to the nearest playground when that was the only way to fix whatever that's broken in her little world. I know this is not going to last forever, but right now I'm not a very good wife and I'm not a very good mother either. I want to be there 100% for two of my most important people in the world but it's just physically impossible. Chase is not a big fan of our CDC, and I'm afraid that I just reinforce the feeling by rarely ever leaving her there. But 4 hours yesterday were much needed, and so were the other 7 today. She got to be a normal toddler, who got to "pay outsyyde" and shared blocks with her new friends. I got to go to the hospital alone, sit quietly at the edge of my best friend's bed, and rest my head on his chest. We took a quick nap together and I got to really hug him without having to worry about Chase yanking some kind of wire out of something she shouldn't. We watched a movie together, stole each other's lunches, and just hung out. It was incredibly therapeutic, and for the first time this week I didn't want to just curl up at the foot of Chase's crib and go to sleep with her at 7 p.m. The fog in my mind is very slowly lifting, and I'm realizing that I've been carrying around a lot of angst with me. As much as I'm looking forward to Wil's discharge, I'm petrified of home pain management, as it felt like we had just gone to hell and back on that boat. I feel useless and not quite enough all at the same time most days. I'm angry at the universe that we're here again less than two years after the first go round. I know we're not the only people in the world dealing with "big stuff," but it's hard to gain perspective when we're sitting in the middle of it all.

On the day of Wil's surgery, Chase and I were pretty much the only two people left in the surgical waiting room after 2 p.m. Just a few doors down was the waiting area for ICU. There were a few more people in there, and I noticed this older lady, who showered us with a sweet kind smile when she saw the paper airplane experiment Chase and I were conducting in the hallway to kill time. I just assumed that she was a family member of a retiree, until she was on her way out around 4 p.m. and stopped to chat with us. I gathered that she belonged to a local congregation and just spent her whole day sitting in the ICU waiting room and praying for the patients and their families. She asked if she could pray for our little family when she found out that Wil had already been in surgery for nearly 9 hours. She softly took my hand and Chase's and it took all that I had to swallow a hard lump in my throat and not bawl. I was so overwhelmed with anxiety yet deeply touched by the kindness of stranger, whom in that small moment did more for me than she could ever imagine. I felt peace and love and knew in my heart that everything was going to be alright. We exchanged a warm goodbye and literally fifteen minutes later Wil's surgeon came out of the OR with 5 x-rays in his hand declaring the surgery a success. I'm trying very hard to hold on to that feeling the ICU waiting room Angel gave me and keep my mind clear of negative thoughts and feelings. It's a daily, and sometimes hourly, struggle, but I'm trying.

Wil continues to slowly improve. The drainage from the surgery sites came off today and it makes laying down a taddddd bit more comfortable. The swelling in his face is quickly going down and he can see better out of his right eye. He's off the morphine drip but is still heavily depended on the intravenous one that he can get every 6 minutes with a push of a button especially after a walk. We got an all clear to walk down the hall to visit our friend Becky and baby Eli in the next ward. He did well but was most definitely ready to head back and push the morphine button HARD. The biggest challenge is getting back into bed, and today he still needs 2 nurses to help him lay back down after most bathroom breaks. He's pretty nauseated and getting Sofran to combat that so he can eat a little more. And we know no one gets a good night sleep in a hospital, so he's getting something to help with that, too. His surgeon is very pleased with his progress but will let physical therapy and Wil dictate when it's time to part with that adjustable bed.

P.S. I'm talking to you, people we don't know but keep coming back to read about our life (Iowa, Australia, etc., I'm looking at you). My husband is in the hospital and really hurt. Say something nice to him like you wish him a speedy recovery. It's a small price to pay for an admission to our freak show. I did title the post "Irrational Anger," and I'm taking it out on innocent internet bystanders.